The holiday season brings up a lot of emotions. Sometimes it even brings up unexpected roles to play to keep the peace during intense scenarios. For example, have you ever heard of the Peacekeeper role? Or have you ever had to be the Peacekeeper?

Let’s start with the basics. The Peacekeeper role is what you imagine it to be. It’s the person who is a mediator or the people pleaser. It is who smoothes tension, who manages emotions, and avoids conflict. Furthermore, it is described as people who “prioritize harmony over their own authenticity, which may have been necessary growing up in their family of origin.” 

If this role sounds draining to you, it’s because it is. The Peacekeeper role comes with a toll. You may start feeling like your own needs aren’t as important as others, you may experience chronic pain, and even worse, resentment.

If you think this is your role, let’s dig in to uncover what the family’s Peacekeeper is and what they (or you) can do instead.

How It Plays Out During Holidays

There are many types of scenarios that may trigger the Peacekeeper role. 

Some specific scenarios may include mediating between divorced parents. Are they going to get along or cause a scene? Or perhaps it’s changing the subject when politics come up. How about we talk about something else? Sometimes it plays out in situations where you apologize for other people’s behaviors. Sorry about their drinking, they’ve had a week. And sometimes it plays out by absorbing everyone’s stress so that they can relax. But at what cost? Your authenticity.

There are a lot of emotional layers that a Peacemaker experiences—especially in the holidays. It’s exhausting, invisible labor when emotional regulation isn’t your job. As a Latina, it could even derive from a cultural belief of “calladita te ves más bonita” which is, quite frankly, outdated. It’s even more difficult as a woman of color because of the invisible labor and expectations at the cost of your ease (but we’ll get to that another day).

What to Do Instead

Let’s get this clear: it’s not your responsibility to manage other people’s emotions. And no, you can’t predict people’s actions. 

Instead, let’s focus on what you could do to ease your role. Here are specific scripts to get you through the holidays, should the aforementioned scenarios happen to you.

1. Speak the truth: “Things are getting heated. Let’s change the subject.”
2. Or don’t say anything at all. Embrace silence (no, you don’t have to fix everything).
3. Leaving the room when needed.

At the end of the day, understand that your friends and family are adults. They can handle their own feelings and actions. If needed, take breaks, have an exit strategy, and limit your time at holiday events.

Bottom line is: it’s OK to give yourself permission to breathe. Everyone else’s peace can’t come at your expense. The real peace is boundaries and not managing everyone’s emotions. 

If you’re the Peacemaker of the family, we leave you with something to think about: “Who would you be if you weren’t responsible for everyone’s feelings?”