Though it’s not a diagnosis, eldest daughter syndrome is a real thing. It’s for those women who experience being the family’s translator, second mom, family coordinator, or peacekeeper. Who even asked to be these things? Not me.

Eldest daughter syndrome is a role that nobody asked for. “Eldest daughter syndrome refers to the attributes and experiences of firstborn children, and in particular, daughters,” psychologist Kate Eshleman, PsyD, said in an article. “There are some positive attributes, but also some negative experiences that these individuals may face.” For a Latina, this may be amplified, especially when your mother or tía hits you with the classic “la mayor tiene que dar el ejemplo.” 

How “Eldest Daughter Syndrome” Shows Up During the Holidays

“Eldest Daughter Syndrome” can show up in various ways. For example, it’s the assumption that you’re automatically the holiday coordinator. All of a sudden, everyone’s asking you what to bring, what time dinner will start, etc. And what’s possibly the most frustrating part is that you still have work, take care of your children, and your ongoing responsibilities on top of everything. 

It’s also when you end up managing family drama—is this family member coming? If so, this other one can’t come. Or when you have to cook everything while other family members relax and watch sports all day. And let’s hope nothing goes wrong, because then you’re blamed for it. 

A quote that Latino families like to bounce around is “La hija mayor cuida,” which should honestly be retired at this point. 

You shouldn’t have to take care of everything. We should all take responsibility for ourselves. 

Breaking the Pattern

You can love your family and loved ones and still set boundaries. Here are some tips to get you empowered for the holiday break:

1. Instead of carrying the family’s holiday load, assign tasks instead of doing everything.
2. Say “I’m not available” without explanation.
3. Let something go undone on purpose.

We know that these actions could be daunting. If you don’t think you’re up to trying any of these tips yet, we advise you to check options like therapy to help you work through it.

Bottom line is that you’re not abandoning your family or culture by choosing yourself. Your worth doesn’t equal how much stress you carry. 

To start easing your “Eldest Daughter Syndrome” let’s start with a journaling exercise: “What burden are you carrying that was never yours?”