Though it’s not a diagnosis, eldest daughter syndrome is a real thing. It’s for those women who experience being the family’s translator, second mom, family coordinator, or peacekeeper. Who even asked to be these things? Not me.

Eldest daughter syndrome is a role that nobody asked for. “Eldest daughter syndrome refers to the attributes and experiences of firstborn children, and in particular, daughters,” psychologist Kate Eshleman, PsyD, said in an article. “There are some positive attributes, but also some negative experiences that these individuals may face.” For a Latina, this may be amplified, especially when your mother or tía hits you with the classic “la mayor tiene que dar el ejemplo.” 

How “Eldest Daughter Syndrome” Shows Up During the Holidays

“Eldest Daughter Syndrome” can show up in various ways. For example, it’s the assumption that you’re automatically the holiday coordinator. All of a sudden, everyone’s asking you what to bring, what time dinner will start, etc. And what’s possibly the most frustrating part is that you still have work, take care of your children, and your ongoing responsibilities on top of everything. 

It’s also when you end up managing family drama—is this family member coming? If so, this other one can’t come. Or when you have to cook everything while other family members relax and watch sports all day. And let’s hope nothing goes wrong, because then you’re blamed for it. 

A quote that Latino families like to bounce around is “La hija mayor cuida,” which should honestly be retired at this point. 

You shouldn’t have to take care of everything. We should all take responsibility for ourselves. 

Breaking the Pattern

You can love your family and loved ones and still set boundaries. Here are some tips to get you empowered for the holiday break:

1. Instead of carrying the family’s holiday load, assign tasks instead of doing everything.
2. Say “I’m not available” without explanation.
3. Let something go undone on purpose.

We know that these actions could be daunting. If you don’t think you’re up to trying any of these tips yet, we advise you to check options like therapy to help you work through it.

Bottom line is that you’re not abandoning your family or culture by choosing yourself. Your worth doesn’t equal how much stress you carry. 

To start easing your “Eldest Daughter Syndrome” let’s start with a journaling exercise: “What burden are you carrying that was never yours?”

The holiday season brings up a lot of emotions. Sometimes it even brings up unexpected roles to play to keep the peace during intense scenarios. For example, have you ever heard of the Peacekeeper role? Or have you ever had to be the Peacekeeper?

Let’s start with the basics. The Peacekeeper role is what you imagine it to be. It’s the person who is a mediator or the people pleaser. It is who smoothes tension, who manages emotions, and avoids conflict. Furthermore, it is described as people who “prioritize harmony over their own authenticity, which may have been necessary growing up in their family of origin.” 

If this role sounds draining to you, it’s because it is. The Peacekeeper role comes with a toll. You may start feeling like your own needs aren’t as important as others, you may experience chronic pain, and even worse, resentment.

If you think this is your role, let’s dig in to uncover what the family’s Peacekeeper is and what they (or you) can do instead.

How It Plays Out During Holidays

There are many types of scenarios that may trigger the Peacekeeper role. 

Some specific scenarios may include mediating between divorced parents. Are they going to get along or cause a scene? Or perhaps it’s changing the subject when politics come up. How about we talk about something else? Sometimes it plays out in situations where you apologize for other people’s behaviors. Sorry about their drinking, they’ve had a week. And sometimes it plays out by absorbing everyone’s stress so that they can relax. But at what cost? Your authenticity.

There are a lot of emotional layers that a Peacemaker experiences—especially in the holidays. It’s exhausting, invisible labor when emotional regulation isn’t your job. As a Latina, it could even derive from a cultural belief of “calladita te ves más bonita” which is, quite frankly, outdated. It’s even more difficult as a woman of color because of the invisible labor and expectations at the cost of your ease (but we’ll get to that another day).

What to Do Instead

Let’s get this clear: it’s not your responsibility to manage other people’s emotions. And no, you can’t predict people’s actions. 

Instead, let’s focus on what you could do to ease your role. Here are specific scripts to get you through the holidays, should the aforementioned scenarios happen to you.

1. Speak the truth: “Things are getting heated. Let’s change the subject.”
2. Or don’t say anything at all. Embrace silence (no, you don’t have to fix everything).
3. Leaving the room when needed.

At the end of the day, understand that your friends and family are adults. They can handle their own feelings and actions. If needed, take breaks, have an exit strategy, and limit your time at holiday events.

Bottom line is: it’s OK to give yourself permission to breathe. Everyone else’s peace can’t come at your expense. The real peace is boundaries and not managing everyone’s emotions. 

If you’re the Peacemaker of the family, we leave you with something to think about: “Who would you be if you weren’t responsible for everyone’s feelings?”

Somewhere between noting down all of my friend and family gatherings on my calendar and getting texts from people who want to hang out this season, I realized I was performing joy instead of feeling it. How is it already this busy and not even the middle of December yet? Why is my calendar already full without rest days? 

It seems like every holiday season gets busier. We are finally getting a work break, only to realize that our calendar is still packed with happy hours, coffee dates, and dinners with people who are in town for the holidays or simply want to catch up now that they have time. And sure, we’re full of gratitude and love, but also, where do we draw the line? When can we curl up and read a book instead? 

And more importantly, how do we set the boundary without feeling guilty about it?

Why We Feel Trapped

The holiday unspoken rule is that you must do everything. Make sure you continue every tradition, accept every invite—and do it with a smile. You have to get your Christmas tree ASAP, and decorate your home before the first week of December is over. And God forbid you don’t have your Christmas tree up by the end of the first week of December.

If this rings a bell, you’re not alone. Sometimes it feels like guilt is our default setting because we’ve been taught that skipping traditions equals being a bad daughter/sister/mother. But that’s an outdated thought. 

It’s time to release traditions and prioritize what actually makes us happy. 

The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For

Say it with me and speak it to existence: You’re allowed to skip traditions that drain you. Take the following scenarios as examples. 

The party you dread going to every year. 

Sure, your cousin spends time getting the family together every year. But if the gathering is more draining than loving, why go in the first place? Try this instead: Check in with your favorite family members with a phone or video call. It’s better to be present in a one-on-one call than dissociated during a group conversation.

The 12-hour family gathering.

Why does our family—especially Latino families—expect you to be at their place for a minimum of two meals each gathering? If you stay for only a couple of hours, you might as well have missed the whole day in your mother’s eyes. If this timed expectation drains you, be vocal about it and move on. Try this instead: Say how long you’ll be at the family gathering, and leave when the indicated hour strikes. And no, you don’t have to explain yourself. 

The “homemade everything” expectation.

This is for the chefs out there. This is your sign to skip making everything from scratch. Cooking or baking from scratch—plus the cleaning that comes with it—is draining. Try this instead: prioritize what you’re making homemade, and buy the other dishes. Don’t let the holiday expectations get to you this year. You’re one person.

How to Actually Do It

Repeat after me: “This year, I’m keeping it simple.” But this time, stick true to it. Create boundaries without explanations, and realize that your presence matters more than your performance. And if someone gets mad… so what? Life goes on. We’re all adults here.

With this in mind, what’s one tradition you’re releasing this year?

It’s that time of the year when things seem to get busy. All of a sudden, you’re caught in between traveling, gatherings, stress, eating more sweets, and subsequently getting less sleep. Oof! Sometimes it can feel like too much on your plate, but we’re here to say that you’re not alone—and we’re here to help.

The holiday season brings us joy with special get-togethers and even some unaccounted-for expenses. But before getting too overwhelmed with the overstimulation of having to be too social, or having to spend money on each family member, we’re here to give you tips on how to take care of what’s most important: you. It’s important now more than ever to take time from your busy schedule to pay attention to yourself in this season that’s meant to be a relaxing and reflective one.

From getting sunshine to practicing gratitude, here’s how to keep your mind and body in sync this season. Because let’s be real: it’s all about balance, energy, and protecting your peace before burnout hits. And we are not starting a new year feeling tired, are we?

Morning Light, Even When It’s Dim

You might think this is silly, but feeling the morning sunlight is life-changing. Five to ten minutes of sunlight or movement can make a significant difference, especially to counter shorter days.

Tip: Instead of scrolling as soon as you wake up, go straight to the window or to your porch to enjoy your morning. 

Find Your Seasonal “Yes” and “No”

Wellness isn’t about doing everything—it’s about boundaries. If there’s a specific thing you do not want to do, simply express it. It may sound like a daunting task, but make a list and prioritize. Cross off those seasonal tasks that are not worth your time this year. 

Tip: Make a “yes/no” list (Yes: family dinners, cozy nights. No: overcommitting, guilt gifts).

Ritualize Rest

Rest is important. And listen: it’s not something to feel guilty of. Want to take it up a notch? Turn downtime into a mini-ritual: light a candle, have tea before bed, or have a nightly stretch routine.

Tip: Make rest feel intentional, not indulgent.

Nourish, Don’t Neglect

Sometimes you have to rewire the way you think of things that sound like a chore. Swap the “holiday cleanse” narrative for nourishment by thinking of adding rather than subtracting.

Tip: Add something (hydration, greens, protein) instead of restricting.

Digital Detox Moments

Create micro digital breaks to calm the nervous system—even 10 minutes of no scrolling can make that difference.

Tip: Replace one scroll session with music or reading.

Practice Gratitude That Feels Real

How do you personally practice gratitude? Gratitude may look different to you than others—and that’s OK. Skip forced journaling; try one mindful moment daily (like noticing light or warmth). Or think of gratitude. Or speak your gratitude. That’s all it takes.

Tip: Gratitude doesn’t need a list, just awareness.

With this in mind, we invite you to start with one ritual from this month and continue through January. Remember: “You can’t pour from an empty cup — but you can refill it quietly, one small ritual at a time.”